Today's quiz - name this TV show. Now name the two main characters. Now sing the theme tune. OK, stop, you really shouldn't sing in public.
Thanks to my little advice pixie who recommended smearing myself in ice cream to deal with the withdrawal from caffeine (that was what you said, right? Or this could be embarassing AND it would explain why the office went so ominously quiet at break time) - I think I know who you are. Not because you have a distinctive style of writing or anything too Clarice Starling of me, but because the rest of my readers gave up on me ages ago when The Daily became the Periodically. Bring me the smoothie maker at your convenience. You know I don't mean that, take it out of the toilet right now.
So, I was writing about hormones a couple of days ago and the advice from Dr It Could Be Worse recommending I knock out caffeine. Well, I’ve now done almost two weeks caffeine free, and guess what? That magical time of the month has come spinning around once more. More information than you really need? Like I care.
So the question on everyone’s lips – not least my boyfriend’s – is has the CFP (Caffeine Free Policy) worked?
Well, I was moody as a big old sinful bag of sin yesterday, but not hysterical moody, just sulky teenager moody really. And today, I’ve felt a little, well, irrational, but nothing like I would normally be expecting. So, I’m feeling hopeful.
It will be great if the absence of caffeine genuinely abates the mood swings, cramps and huge emotional chaos of my once a month blues. In addition, my productivity at work is maintaining an unusually high standard, much to The Chief's joy.
However, I miss the larking about that accompanied my crazy mood swings. You know, the desire to jump around and sing, and the need to climb under my desk and surprise people by suddenly grabbing their ankles as they walk by, whilst barking like a terrier (me, not them – people don’t often walk past my desk barking like terriers, that’s obviously my job).
And so do my colleagues. Admittedly it took them some time, in which they too have probably enjoyed higher than average productivity without me blasting out the theme to the A-Team, or inventing jingles for each team (Events, for instance, fits distinctly well to the theme tune for the Flumps – remember them? They were fab). But over the past few days most of the women in my office have expressed concern over my sudden ‘quietness’ – many of them have asked if I’m ill, and I’ve had to admit that I’m actually suffering from the ill-intended effects of health, for once.
I have a dilemma. I feel like a manic depressive who’s been prescribed mood balancers and found that they preferred the swings of mania – except in reverse. I’ve taken a drug away from myself, not placed myself on one. I’m not sure I like this new me. Without the caffeine, is this the real me?
If so, I’m not sure I like her. I think she’s boring and balanced and banal. She’s everything about b’s that I don’t like. But if I go back to caffeine, I’ll know it’s a fake personality – I can’t believe it’s come to this. Coffee was the basis of everything I like about myself.
So what would you do? Do you think it’ll get easier?