Ok, crisis over. Apparently I was nowhere being fired, it was all in my head.
How do you know this, Sarah?
Well, because I went into work this morning and spoke to my manager and it turns out I feel overwhelmed because the work is, in her words, "overwhelming". We held a team meeting, went through the issues one by one and I left with a list of prioritised tasks, a big smile, and a slower heartbeat. Oh, and congratulations from my boss for bringing the whole issue up in the first place as she felt that a lot of the issues I had raised had been going un-noticed.
So, I am forced to ask myself this evening - what the hell was that all about? I'd be happy to call it an anomaly and move on, if it weren't for the fact that this happened the last time I took on a new project (two days crying until I ingested the toad and spoke to my manager and sorted the whole situation out in two seconds) and the time before that (three months of ridiculous over-preparation and contemplating resignation until I handed in the discusson paper I was writing to a delighted line manager). In fact, I can date this all the way back through uni (sobbing my way through two dissertations - I can't do this!! - and receiving a 1:1 and a distinction), back through college, school and I have a distant memory about several panic attacks and screams of I'm not ready, I don't feel prepared in the womb.
At some point, I will need to learn to trust myself, just a wee bit. Because the alternative is, quite frankly ridiculous. I don't want to spend weekends crying when I could be working mornings and spending my afternoons savouring the latest Christopher Rice and watching The Devil Wears Prada with the gorgeous Lisa Clark (check out her review at her Myspace site, see links to the right - incidentally, I know you know this already, but I'm not ignoring you gorgeous Lisa Clark or GLC, as I like to call you in my head, I've just wanted to wait until I can actually speak to speak to you). So, what can I do?
Well, personally, I'm all for the Pinkworld approach. For those of you still not in the know - do keep up, this is going to be huge in 2007 and you'll be pink, but only with embarrassment if you're the last one riding the bandwagon and screaming 'Woo-hoo!! Woo-hoo!! Look at my big pink, er, bandwagon!!!!!" - Pinkworld is the unique creation of the GLC, life coach, author and fabulousness guru extraordinaire. Her work is aimed predominantly at young women, but if your sense of identity can take it, I don't see why her wonders wouldn't work on, well, anyone (digging my own alliteration there!).
So, I will personally be doing a lot more Faking it until I'm making it, which means: the projection of self-belief - so that you imagine how it looks, feels and tastes to be the you you're aiming to be and then copy your imagination until it comes naturally. Then, Woo-hoo you're riding the big pink, er, bandwagon. I'm also going to try that other crazy clever trick of being a bit nicer to myself, trusting my instincts not dissing them, and actually taking on board the praise and feedback of others. I'm going to live my life as a combination of Lisa Clark and Steve Hender (an amazing trainer who worked with the culture staff at the city council I work for, who preaches the power of positivity) - ok, maybe not a combination of the two, because that's conjuring up strange lovechild images in my mind. But something like that. And the best thing of all? I think I'll enjoy my way through life a bit more instead of worrying my way through it.
Woo-hoo! Look at me, I'm riding the big pink - ok, I'll stop.