An unwelcome portrait of myself

No, I don't mean the picture. I actually like it. There's one of my brother doing the same thing. God, we're so kooky.

I had a day of conflict in the Ministry. I find myself bickering, biting, bothering and bitching my way through the day and I know my blood pressure must be hiking its way to a heart attack. What's my problem? Why can't I just go in, do my hours, say 'Sir!Yes!Sir' and ship out again at the end of the day? Why is everything with me such a drama?

I'm beginning to think I have a slight problem with authority. My brother and I have always joked about the way he feels compelled to disobey direct orders - just because he is being told what to do by anyone who is not him - but I'm beginning to think that I may have the same problem. In fact, I think I have a problem with the concept of being managed at all. This may place me in an awkward position in today's society, or at least in it's job market.

I take heart, as ever, from Hicks, who provides a guide to my sort of employee attitude. At least I'm not alone in my rebelliousness.

You know what I hate about working? Bosses. That's what I fucking hate. First of all, let me tell you something real quick. The very idea that anyone could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict. Not in this lifetime, Charlie. A few more incarnations, we'll sit down and chat. But I used to always get harassed.

'Hicks, how come you're not working.'

I'd go, 'There's nothing to do.'

'Well, you pretend like you're working.'

'Well, why don't you pretend I'm working? Yeah, you get paid more than me, you fantasise. Pretend I'm mopping. Knock yourself out. I'll pretend they're buying stuff; we can close up. I'm the boss now, you're fired. How's that? I'm on a fucking roll. We're all millionaires and you're dick. I'm pretending shit, I'm wacky, I can't be stopped.'

I don't know if I have the right attitude for the workplace.

You take my point. However, I've decided that tomorrow I am going to reign in the attitude. It will be a lesson in meditation, in mindfulness (thanks Lou, for the inspiration).

I will be the very mistress of self-control.

Or I'll be psychotic by 14.30, but hey, it'll make Thursday more interesting.

Overheard by Michael in W.H. Smiths:

1st Man: You gonna 'ave children then?

2nd Man: Nah. My wife hates children.

Pause.

2nd Man: She says they're vermin.